I Like Being Married

I like being married. That statement produces a veritable smorgasbord of responses and reactions when spoken aloud. Depending on the hearer's opinions or previous experiences, I have been the subject of coy smiles, unbelieving laughter, and unmitigated contempt. Why should such a benign statement spark such emotional responses?

Could it be that many are not finding their marriages to be wedded bliss? Neither do I and my spouse. Might it be that some are discovering to their chagrin that marriage is work? My wife and I came to that conclusion ere we were scarcely out of town on our wedding day. Would we be correct in supposing that many had a skewed dream of what marriage would be, and the dream-bubble exploded soon after the nuptials, covering everything with a sticky mess? I must confess I had delusional aspirations for our married life that I have found to be unrealistic and even unhealthy. We do not have a perfect marriage. I hasten to add the overwhelming cause for that lies with me. However, I enjoy the ongoing challenge and pursuit of being married, and wish to offer a few suggestions I feel contribute to our continuing success.

• The most important element in our pursuit of marital success is commitment. My wife and I determined long ago, before our wedding day in fact, that we were in this thing for life. There are no loopholes and no escape clauses. Our only recourse is to do and be what is necessary for success in the relationship. If there is any way out, it is too easy to quit.
• Second, I choose every day to love my wife. Sometimes I must choose to love her every moment! I choose to love her when she is dressed to kill and I choose to love her when she is killing me trying to get dressed. I choose to love her in the heat of passion and I choose to love her in the cold of apathy. I choose to love her, to quote some timeless phrases, "for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part". The pivotal word in this entire paragraph is not love; it is choose. Love is a decision and a commitment I make of my own free will. I am resolved to choose daily to love my wife. No matter what.
• Third, I choose every day to pursue. I choose to pursue Christ. I choose to pursue a vibrant relationship with Him that transforms me into the best husband possible. I choose to pursue the things that build up my wife. I choose to set myself far aside. I must never give up the pursuit; for there will always be improvement that can and should be made. My wife is a priceless gift from God and is worth every effort I make and much, much more.
• Last, I believe. I believe what the Scriptures teach concerning the marriage relationship. When choosing a metaphor to illustrate the incredible relationship Christ has with His church, God chose marriage. Just as in Christ's relationship with His church, there is in our marriages the potential for unblemished purity, unrivaled holiness, unbroken commitment, unequaled sacrifice, unbridled love, unfathomable strength, and uncontainable joy. If it were not possible, our painfully honest God would have told us so. I believe it is possible.

I have not completed this journey. But these few concepts guide me like a tall and shining beacon guides wayward ships toward home and safety. They are, I believe, the foundational steps to realizing the best God has for us in our marriage relationships. I am not satisfied with where I am in my marriage; there is much progress that needs to be made. But I like the pursuit. I like being married.

BSFL Sunday School commentary for the week of May 9, 2010

"I Take You"     Genesis 2; Malachi 2; Matthew 19

God's intention for marriage is lifetime commitment, because He knows our need for the security such a commitment brings. Genesis 2:23-25 is the very first recorded marriage vow. Adam publically declares that Eve is not just his wife, but she is also part of him. They are now one. That is God's intention for marriage from the very beginning. Today’s society glamorizes the wedding. By this, I mean to say that more time and energy is spent on the planning and choreography of the parties, showers, meals, and reception than on planning for marriage. God emphasizes the lifelong covenant.

According to scripture, a vow is a sacred promise or covenant between two or more people with God sealing the agreement. Marriage should start acknowledging that this is a special relationship between a man and a woman and that Christ should be the foundation and focus of this very special relationship. The purpose of marriage is to grow together physically, intimately, and spiritually.

Marriage is to be a lifelong commitment between a man and a woman with God sealing this vow, but today we often see marriage not so much as a covenant between man, woman, and God but more as a casual agreement that ends when the relationship is no longer fun or convenient. The idea of a vow that lasts until “death do us part” is rejected in today’s society, and the sad part is that the average Christian marriage has about the same chance of surviving as does a secular marriage. Divorce is the tearing apart of the foundation of all stable societies - the family. Sometimes, it is necessary; sometimes, it is unavoidable. Does the Bible permit divorce? Yes. Is it ever the best option? No.

According to scripture, only two occurrences warrant a divorce: if a spouse has been sexually immoral and is unwilling to repent (Matthew 19:8-9), or if a non-Christian spouse permanently deserts the Christian spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15). Even with these two scenarios, repeated attempts at reconciliation should be made. Divorce is always the last, and least desired option. It is permitted, but never promoted.

Christ takes the marriage vow very seriously — so seriously that He uses marriage to define His relationship with those who believe in Him. He demonstrated the ultimate vow by opening His arms wide on the cross with the thought in His head … “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  

BSFL Sunday School commentary for the week of May 2, 2010

"In the Presence of God"     Genesis 1,2

Are you married? How did you prepare for your wedding? More importantly, how did you prepare for marriage? Do you ever wish that you were better prepared for marriage in the beginning?

In the wedding ceremony the minister traditionally says something along these lines: "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD and these witnesses...." Have you ever thought much about that? Does God really concern Himself with our marriages? Of course He does! In fact, humans and human relationships were on God's mind as far back as the creation.

Human beings alone among God's creation are created "in His image". This statement by God implies that God created us in His spiritual likeness, mirroring His distinctive character traits. With a desire to emulate our Creator planted in our hearts, we will only find our greatest enjoyment in a personal relationship with Him that transforms us into His likeness.

In an interesting application of this principle, Jesus was tested concerning His allegiance to God or Caesar. In Matthew 22:21 Jesus answered, "Therefore, give back to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's." In other words, if Caesar's image was stamped on something, he had a right to dictate how it was used. We have similar laws concerning how United States currency is handled. If God's image is stamped on us from creation, He has the right to use us however He chooses, and to dictate to us His guidelines for living.

Scripture states that humans were created by God "male and female", distinct genders that although different in many ways, relate to one another and indeed complement each other. When we try to change this arrangement of distinction and relation, we violate His guidelines and the very created order. Chaos and destruction are the inevitable result. It cannot work successfully unless we follow the Creator's guideline.

When God created man He realized that man was not as fulfilled alone as he could be with a companion. This is the first thing that God recognized in His creation as being "not good". It was not good for man to be alone. I personally agree wholeheartedly with that! God created a suitable helper for the man that was like him and yet distinct from him. I love to imagine the moment when God brought the woman to present her to the man. While the man was in a deep sleep God removed a rib from him, and fashioned this incredible creature. when the man had awakened, God brought her and presented man with this gift to be treasured.

God gave special attention to the creation of the man and the woman, placed them together, and blessed their relationship. He intends that relationship to be sacred. May we realize that we live together in our marriages "In the Presence of God", and that He has a perfect plan for making them work successfully.

Content With Your House & With Your Spouse

Due to the positive response following the recent message series "Making Love Last for a Lifetime", and for those who have requested more help in the area of relationships, I have written down some of the teachings from the series, plus some extra help with each topic. A link is provided at the end of this material where it can be downloaded and printed in its entirety for easier usage. Review each topic, its basic truths, and then complete the assignments, including the scriptures for memorization. The key to realizing lasting and positive change in your relationships is the transforming power of the Holy Spirit. He will work through prayer, God's Word, and our efforts to transform us and fill our relationships with love that lasts a lifetime!

Section One: Battling Envy & Cultivating Contentment

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up."

1 Corinthians 13:4 (NKJV)

Envy has a long and sordid past with its origin in the very heart of Satan. Isaiah 14:12-15 records Satan's jealousy of God's throne and deity, and his desire to steal them away. Ever since envy became his own downfall, Satan has realized its power for the destruction of human relationships. From Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden to the present day, mankind boils with envy for what belongs to another. In fact, the Greek word for envy is 'zelo', literally meaning "to boil".

Envy does not just grow overnight, like dandelions. It develops over time.

• Stage One: Discontentment

We become discontent with unfulfilled expectations. Never mind that our expectations are unreasonable or even impossible. We have made unequal and unfair comparisons to which no one can measure up.

• Stage Two: Disillusionment

Confusion sets in due to our unfulfilled expectations. "I never thought it would be like this..." We become negative toward that which does not measure up.

• Stage Three: Deception

The unfair comparisons intensify. We deceive ourselves into thinking that something or someone else is better. But we cannot see the whole picture, only the outer facade. We become infatuated with an illusion.

• Stage Four: Desire

We become convinced that the illusion can bring happiness or significance. We fool ourselves into thinking that we cannot live without it.

• Stage Five: Destruction

We chase the illusion no matter what the cost to our current relationship. And then we discover that it is just an illusion. No one could possibly be as perfect as we had thought. Our relationship is now severely damaged. We have crashed and burned.

The music video "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns gives a poignant illustration to this process.

How can we battle envy and cultivate contentment?

1. Confess the SIN of Envy - It is a brutal sin that made God's TOP TEN list! (Ten Commandments - Number 10: "You shall not covet" [envy] Exodus 20:17) Confession must be followed by repentance! Turn away in sorrow from envy and ask God's help to defeat it completely! "For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there." James 3:16 (NKJV)
2. Control Your Thoughts - Your mind is the front line of the battleground for your relationship. Build adequate defenses! We cannot always control or avoid temptation, but we can control our mind. Eliminate whatever tempts you to compare and envy. "Casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5 (NKJV)
3. Cultivate Contentment - Love is content with the object of its affection. Love is a decision, not a ficle emotion. Choose to love your spouse unconditionally and choose to be content. Stop looking to others and making comparisons. Choose to be satisfied with what (and who) you have. "Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have." Hebrews 13:5a (NKJV)

Suggested Actions:

• PRAY - Pray for the strength of the Holy Spirit to control your thoughts and resist temptation. Ask Him to grow a greater love in you for your spouse. Confess your struggle to him or her and ask them to agree in prayer with you.
• MEMORIZE - Memorize all four of the Scriptures printed above. Saturate your mind with the Scriptures. Find additional verses to memorize that deal with envy, covetousness, and contentment.
• ACT - Take any actions necessary to remove the temptation to compare (let Philippians 4:8 be your guide).

Suggested Resources:

The Love Dare, by Stephen and Alex Kendrick. B&H Publishing Group. ISBN - 0805448853

The Secret to the Marriage You Want, by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott. Lifeway Church Resources. ISBN - 1415868166 (member book)

This material in a downloadable file (Microsoft Word 1997-2003)